I have lived in the same house for nearly all of my 28 (almost 29) years of living. This home is full of so many memories. Echoes of my past reverberate around me daily. Like a time traveler, I cross my own time line more often than I realize. Sometimes the ghosts of me are suffocating and sometimes they remind me how far I’ve come.
My childhood memories are like a distant dream. I jumped on a trampoline in this yard, I played with dolls in my room, and I lay on this same living room floor while I did my homework.
My awkward, uneasy teenage years were spent here. I cried in my bedroom as I battled insomnia. I wrote poetry in my journal. I got ready for prom and graduation. I grew up.
After college graduation, I returned here. I dreamed of leaving this place. I left and discovered that the real world could be unpredictable and unpleasant. I tried to move away twice, but returned each time and I’m still here. This house has been my launching pad, but for some reason, I always find my way back.
Almost every day I wish I was somewhere other than here. I complain about how small my town is and that I don’t have many opportunities here. It seems like I spend most of my time wishing instead of growing. Instead of blooming where I’m planted, I whine and become bitter. Because life doesn’t always go the way I expect, I forget how I blessed I really am. Though my roots are firmly planted here, that doesn’t mean I can’t learn, thrive, and blossom. This town might be the perfect soil I need to help me dream, write, and create.
If you feel like you are stuck as I do sometimes, know that you are where you are for a reason. It doesn’t matter your location, but what you do with the talents and resources you’ve been given. You and I must learn to let our roots provide a solid foundation for us as we grow upward and strive towards our full potential. As we let our past water us with wisdom, we will look to the rays of hope shining down on us, and leading us to a brilliant future.
“Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words.”-Robert Frost
I’ve been writing poetry since I was 14. One of the first poems I remember writing was in gifted class in 8th grade. I wrote a poem using Georgia History facts by making every line rhyme. I continued writing poetry in high school: most of the poems were similar to worship songs. Later on, I wrote them to help me work out feelings after hard break ups or to get through other difficult times in my life.
Poetry has been there with me through it all. That is why I love writing it so much. Constructing phrases, rhythmic or rhyming, helps me to work through my emotions and experiences. I can dive deeper into my problems in a beautiful way as I place all my pain on paper (or a document).
I wrote ‘Emotions’ as an expression of the various feelings we all experience: anxiety, peace, apathy, passion, jealousy, contentment, despair, and joy. I hope it reminds others that they are not the only ones to ride the roller coaster of life. That everyone rides its many highs and lows and holds on tightly for every unexpected twist and turn. I hope it reveals that there is beauty and purpose in the pain and that joy is made sweeter after a mountain of difficulties.
Here’s an excerpt from ‘Emotions’, the poem ‘Passion’:
I am alive
Or at least that’s how I feel
Pulsating with energy I didn’t know existed
My eyes widen at the thought of doing what I love
I’m surfing on an endless surge of emotion
The ocean is full of ebbing waves
Carrying me on a crystal sea of happiness
I can’t be still, so I move swiftly with grace
Gliding through the waters with joy
As pure ecstasy joins me
We are whipped by powerful winds
But we remain undeterred
Even the shore is glistening as we reach it
I feel peaceful knowing I can do it again tomorrow
My heart is full of unexplored depths
Its cadence is mesmerizing
I dance to its rhythmic beat
To know I’m truly alive.
My friend Brandon enjoys writing poetry, too. He wrote an in-depth review for ‘Emotions’ that I’d like to share with you. You can follow him on twitter here: @bardspell and read his writing here: http://bardspell.blogspot.com/.
Review:
“‘Emotions’ by Erin Bower is a collection of verse on the ruminations of a daydreaming introvert’s experiences with self in relation to her own personal universe. It contains eight poems that explore the range of emotions the author experiences, alternating between the painful to the pleasant in couplets through the octave. The collection is a fascinating look at how someone, trapped inside of themselves, unable to express their feelings to fellow human beings in conversational language, expresses those feelings to the unknown through the medium of poetry.
The apparent daydreaming nature of the author is shown through the fact that she generally eschews concrete imagery in favor of what seems to be dream symbolism and the archetypal. In “Anxiety,” the author’s haunting line,
“Worries tumble out of me like dangerous flames…”
is reminiscent of someone who associates the danger of fire with panic, a primal fear, showing the author to be connected with the collective unconscious. It is intriguing how, although most people I know in reality become anxious through distorted perception of their security, the author draws upon a memory, perhaps her own from childhood, or perhaps from the deeper part of the mind that reaches back to ancestral fears. And I find this part of the essence of being a dreamer.
Other poems utilize similar imagery. “Passion,” the longest in the collection, I imagine represents the most important emotion to the author. She utilizes the ocean as a metaphor, again archetypal, yet somewhat more concrete. She associates the blissful state of being near to the sea as an invoking of that great passion within her to simply exist. The experience of reading this poem was like being inside the head of one who greatly desires to be at the beach while facing the drudgery of everyday existence, something we can all relate to. I imagine the author at work, miserable, hearing endless wave upon wave in her mind, and then suddenly being quickened to complete her duties with vigor. It is endearing.
I connected most with the author in her poem “Apathy.” It was soul crushing, utilizing the metaphor of death. Death, probably the most concrete of all human experience, is again treated as dreamlike. No person in particular dies, except for the author in her day to day experience of agonizing discontent. There are words here which stick inside of my head and haunt me: “My soul is a pit of nothing / I am dead inside .” I think back to my own experiences with the Abyss talked about by so many mystics and feel the author has experienced this “dark night of the soul” as well. I feel close to her through the shared experience of sinking into the void, the darkest days of my life, and I imagine her experiences with the same sinking into the fabric which annihilates the self and ego.
I would recommend “Emotions” to anyone, whether they be an introvert or extrovert. For introverts, it is soothing to know that there are others out there that experience the same feelings that you do, which is a sort of bonding unavailable to those who find it difficult to communicate. For extroverts, it is a glimpse into the lives of those you see everyday, so quiet and inhibited, whom you fail to understand through your day to day experiences with them. All in all, though this collection bears a roughness inherent in any first publication, I will revisit it again and again, and look forward to reading more of the author’s work in the future.”
“Melanie slept fitfully as flashes of memories continued in her dreams. Most of them involved her mystery man who piqued her curiosity and frustration simultaneously.”
After gaining control of herself, she realized, “My name is Melanie…..He could have been talking to someone else.” But somehow the name resonated within her. “Maybe I’ll call myself that until I figure out who I really am.”
Then she decided to set up camp at the beach. “It’s where I woke up,” she thought. “So, I better stay here; it might be important.”
It was easy enough for her to start a fire. “I must have been a Girl Scout growing up,” she laughed bitterly to herself. After a supper of the last of the blackberries, she lay down beside the warm flames. Sighing, she fell asleep to the now surprisingly soothing sound of the ocean with a blanket of stars as her only covering.
Melanie slept fitfully as flashes of memories continued in her dreams. Most of them involved her mystery man who piqued her curiosity and frustration simultaneously. In the last one before she awoke, she was laying in pain in a hospital.“I’m right here,” the man spoke while holding her hand.
She woke up with a start, sweaty and breathless. “I have to get out of here!” she thought. But she didn’t know where she was going or how to get there. “I’ll find a way,” she said to the ocean. Determined, she ignored her hunger and started traveling down the path through the trees.
After a few hours, without fruit; either in a meal or in finding a way out of the forest, Melanie sat down to rest. Suddenly seeing a clearing a few feet ahead, she got up and walked towards it. As the trees parted, a cabin came into view. With hopes for food and someone to converse with, she walked closer and knocked on the door. “Foolishness; there’s no one here.” The cabin had obviously not been inhabited for some time. The wood in it was rotten and the hinge on the door was rusted. Even so, she pulled the door open with a little effort.
Inside was what one would usually find in an old cabin masquerading as a set for a pioneer TV show: old pots and pans in the kitchen and an old bed and trunk in the common room. Not surprisingly, she tried to open the trunk. “Of course it’s locked,” she thought begrudgingly. Although, she thought it odd that it didn’t fit in with the rest of the cabin. “It looks almost new,” she thought astonished. Her stomach rumbled and decided for her that she was done with discoveries for the day. Sighing, she left the cabin as it was and headed back into the forest to find some food.
“If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else”- Marvin Gaye
It’s hard to find peace today. Watch any news program and you’ll be reminded of the wars and violence that are so prevalent around the world, in each of our countries, our cities, and even in some of our own neighborhoods. Greed, hatred, selfishness, and a love of power has seeped in and stolen others’ innocence, faith in humanity, and an outward peace that we wish was reigning in humanity today. We’ve learned that we can’t find peace in the world and that has left some of us feeling despondent.
It’s difficult to find peace in our daily lives as well. Money troubles, school or job stress, our personal hang-ups or struggles, family or relationship problems, and even social media drama. The list seems endless as we deal with the messy details in our lives. These dilemmas can leave us full of anxiety, worry, and fear. Sometimes we can turn to friends and family, but they will eventually fail us at some point, because they are only human also.
If we can’t find true peace in the world or in other people, where can we find it? We have to look inside ourselves. But can we create peace on our own? No, we have to look to God.
“Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4:5-7
This verse always challenges me. As a person who gets social anxiety in a crowded room or when I’m meeting new people, it’s hard to overcome my feelings and be at peace. I also worry about the distant future and even what might happen to me in a coming week. I forget that God is in control of everything and that He has already taken care of my future. I focus on my circumstances instead of talking to Him about them.
If we would learn to let go and change our mindset about our lives, we might just find the serenity we desire. Instead of opening our souls to dread and worry, we should greet each day with eager optimism and unbridled hope. We can’t depend on the world or other people to create a peaceful atmosphere around us, but we can learn to find inner peace through prayer and surrender. We have to give up trying to orchestrate our lives and remember that He is in control already.
“Her life seemed to go on just like the waters reaching out to the shore over and over. It was just as pointless.”
Sunlight washed over Melanie’s face. She winced and turned over. Not having yet acquired the taste for sand, she got up and brushed herself off. The redundant sound of the waves crashing was more haunting to her today. Her life seemed to go on just like the waters reaching out to the shore over and over. It was just as pointless. “Am I glad to be alive?” she asked herself in her thoughts. “Yes, but it would help if I knew something!” Frustrated and hungry, she escaped from the beach and went back amongst the trees to look for food. Finding a blackberry patch, she indulged herself swiftly. Satisfied, but thirsty, she decided to go further into the brush to find water and escape from the oceanic sounds.
After pummeling through the green maze for an hour, she began to hear something other than the crunch of her feet on the forest floor. It was the sound of moving water! Running, or her version of it, she scurried weakly to the clearing on the left. Melanie knelt down, practically falling on purpose to scoop up the clear water. She lifted her gaze after having a fair share.
“Beautiful,” she said aloud softly. There was a clear waterfall surrounded by rocky boulders. Resting at the bottom of the sparkling water were myriads of smooth stones. She picked up an especially flat one and skipped it on the deepest part of the waters. Gasping, she realized the action was somehow significant. She closed her eyes and let the movement trigger her memory.
At some point in the past, she was in a lake; knee-deep wearing a green retro style bathing suit. A man came behind her, guiding her hand as he taught her how to skip a rock. The waterfall sounds in the memory and the sounds in the present combined until she opened her eyes.
She didn’t think it was this place that she recalled, but somewhere similar. Closing her eyes again, she focused on the memory of the man’s face. He had a handsome face, but not clean-shaven. Tall, with broad shoulders and a steady chin that jutted out slightly, he was someone who could intimidate. But his eyes, surprisingly green yet hazel at the same time, were gentle and smiling. Melanie gasped audibly. Her body had reacted from the memory of this mystery man. She found herself smiling at the butterflies and warmth coming from her soul. Then confusion washed over her as her eyebrows pulled together. Either to clear her head or to wash the sand off, she dove suddenly into the deep waters near the waterfall.
After swimming deep to amuse herself with the sight of the various rocks, she came up for air and swam to the edge. Melanie pulled her lean body up and out, her clothing sticking to it as her long golden blonde hair dripped around her. Peering back into the clear water as if it was a mirror, she untangled her hair with her fingers. A young woman of around 25 looked back at her with round blue eyes and lips shaped in a bow. She recognized her face, but she didn’t know who she was, where she was from, or why she was here. It was an unsettling feeling.
All of a sudden, the man from her memories appeared in the water beside her reflection and said, “Melanie, don’t worry. We’re in this thing together.” In shock, with wide open eyes, she ran all the way back to the beach without thinking about what she was doing. When she arrived, panting with hands on her knees, she realized a little late that it had just been another memory. Or so she thought.
It’s not about trying to change the world, it’s about trying to not be changed by it.”-LIGHTS
These words by the popular Canadian electropop artist ring true. First of all, when we think about wanting to change the world, we don’t think about ourselves. We think we have to cure world hunger and cancer, make every country peaceful, and get everyone on the planet employed. These ideas are good but lofty. It leaves us feeling overwhelmed that we can’t accomplish much as one person. It makes us want to give up before we’ve even started.
As we go about our daily lives, we are bombarded by pressures from our peers, from media, and from society as a whole. They tell us we should look a certain way, act a certain way, and hide what makes us unique. What this quote by Lights expresses is that we shouldn’t let other people change us. We shouldn’t try to fit into a mold created by those around us. God created us to be different. We came with a unique body and face, soul and heart, passions and dreams, goals and a purpose. We shouldn’t do things because we think they will make us cool, appreciated, popular, or successful. We should choose our words and actions based on what is right and what passions God has implanted within our hearts.
What we don’t understand most of the time is that if we are who we’re meant to be instead of being someone others’ want us to be, we will change the world. If we become who we are created to be, we encourage others to be their true self. Others’ opinions seem less important when you view a person shining their own light. They make the right decisions, care for other people, and don’t live solely for the crowd’s approval. Your appearance, popularity, and level of success will fade into the background when you see an individual with self-worth not dependent on any of those aspects. When you see someone loving themselves just the way they are, including their flaws, it gives you the courage to do the same. It inspires you to change the world by first loving yourself and then accepting others with all their imperfections. Change the way you view yourself and you will change the way you view other people. Be yourself and change the world.
“The sound of the ocean conjured up faint, fleeting memories; just flashes of images like those seen in a dream.”
Here is the first chapter from my soon to be released novella, No One. I’m categorizing it in the science fiction genre, but it’s also full of mystery and romance with a few action and paranormal elements. It tells the story of a young woman waking up on a beach with no memory and how she begins putting the pieces together to discover who she really is.
Her clear blue eyes fluttered open gradually. Her pupils adjusted to the sun that was beating down on her skin. She sat up to see an endless ocean before her. Then she pulled herself upright.Feeling groggy, she shifted her feet in the warm sand. The sound of the ocean conjured up faint, fleeting memories; just flashes of images like those seen in a dream. It was more like a feeling than anything else.
She closed her eyes and let the waves guide her breathing:in and out…in and out. Then, without warning, fear and ignorance crept up her spine; anxiety was not long after. She tried to remember why she was there and who she was, but it was like her mind was a prison. Cloudy images of strangers and the unknown were all that was there to greet her. Panic set in next as she grasped the notion that she had no idea where she was. “Breathe,” she said in a barely audible whisper, but there was no one to answer but herself.
Using the ocean as a distraction, she stared at the waves to help set her heart rate back to its normal level.Suddenly, she began to feel sick to her stomach.“It’s just the heat,” she said to reassure herself. The young woman wiped her brow and then felt her face go white. Her gaze was held steadily to the ocean as if trying to latch onto it to keep her strength. After a few moments, everything went fuzzy and she collapsed helplessly on the beach. Darkness held her in its grip until the next morning.
“People empty me. I have to get away to refill.”-Charles Bukowski
Some people might not understand why I genuinely enjoy spending time by myself. The best way I can explain it is that introverts gain energy by being alone. When they are required to be in public or they venture out in the real world of their own accord, they know they’ll eventually become drained. Speaking, interacting, and basically communicating with others takes a lot of mental and emotional energy out of us. Also, there is an overabundance of stimuli that may overwork our brains. Yes, we are observers, but we can only take in so much for so long before we have to recharge.
Extroverts are the opposite. They gain strength from being around people. They ‘level up’ when someone pays attention to them. They enjoy being in crowds, at parties, and at malls. This is their natural habitat. Introverts, in turn, enjoy being at home or in quiet spaces, such as libraries, book stores, or small coffee shops.
In a room full of people, there is a constant tug of war. The extroverts are competing for everyone’s attention as if they are doing a tap dance routine on a stage. The introverts are the audience, silently observing everything around them and maybe taking notes in their journal. Some extroverts may not understand why the introverts sit down and won’t join in ‘dancing’ with them. They might look at them strangely and eventually ostracize them because they think they are weird or different. What they must realize is that there is no audience without introverts. There is no one to listen to them and give them a few words of well thought out advice. Both kinds of people must exist in order for meaningful conversation to take place.
But what happens when one extrovert begins conversing with a single introvert? Then the real battle begins: the battle of energy. The extrovert will approach another person with a story, expecting the introvert to respond with his or her own. The introvert might say a few words in response, but will leave the other person dissatisfied. Extroverts need energy from other people to fill their ‘tanks’ up. When the flow of words doesn’t come in their direction, they might resort to asking random, personal questions. This is usually terrifying to the introvert. They want to have plenty of time to ponder their answers, but are not given it. With every question asked, some energy is stolen from his or her tank and is deposited into the extrovert’s.
Does this mean that we hate people? No. Does this mean that we’re wary of who we let into our personal bubble? Yes. We enjoy spending time with a few close friends that we can trust not to completely deplete our energy supply. When meeting a new person, we may seem stand-offish, but don’t take offense. We may not open up to you immediately, but if and when we do, it will be special and beautiful. We are deep thinkers of few words, but when we do speak, listen closely. We speak softly, but our words are full of wisdom.
This is funny but true: ‘How to Care For An Introvert’
“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
Every person has God-given talents. You may not be able to dance, sing, or act well, but you have your own particular set of gifts.
Society places certain expectations on everyone, such as success, beauty, a strong relationship and a sizable bank account. That can leave some of us feeling lack-luster as we may not currently possess a powerful job, model looks, a boyfriend or girlfriend (or husband/wife), or an overflowing abundance of cash. It’s easy to point out the ways we don’t measure up instead of appreciating how unique and special we are.
When we compare ourselves to others, it seems like we aren’t good enough. Some people are doctors, lawyers, and businessmen (or women). Others are photogenic, popular, or great public speakers. Some have long-time boyfriends or girlfriends, fiancés, or have already been married for years with a few kids. When we judge ourselves related to others, we sell ourselves short.
Our parents may have their own plans for us that aren’t realistic. They might want to live vicariously through us or just have dreams for us that we aren’t equipped to actualize. Mulan struggles with this when she can’t be the girl her parents expect her to be. She wants to bring honor to her family, but she is destined to be a heroine, not merely a desirable candidate for a matchmaker and future mate.
Instead of comparing ourselves to others or trying to fit into the mold created for us by society or by our parents, we should discover what talents we have hidden within us. Using these abilities will be your gift to God and your gift to the world. Don’t be a cookie-cutter version of someone else. Be yourself, because there’s only one you.
“We never live; we are always in the expectation of living.”-Voltaire
Everyone hates waiting whether it is in the checkout line, waiting for a package to come in the mail, or just waiting for the weekend to arrive. We complain about stores that don’t hire enough cashiers and how we’ll never find our soul mate. We hate waiting for our food to arrive in a restaurant and for the next chapter of our life to begin.
What we fail to realize is that we don’t have to wait for overall change. Yes, waiting will always be a part our days, but that doesn’t mean we should sit on the sidelines our entire life. Instead of expecting happiness and success to drop out of the sky, we should take an active role in pursuing them.
In ‘Tangled’, Rapunzel spent years staying inside her tower, because her mother (or who she thought was her mother) told her to. She spent her days waiting around and doing activities to keep her from boredom instead of taking a risk and finding out what was in store for her outside. She wondered when things would get better for her in ‘When Will My Life Begin’:
Just as Rapunzel trusted Mother Gothel, sometimes we trust others instead of heeding ourselves and what we know we should do. Instead of following our dreams or doing what we’re called to do, we listen to the people around us that tell us to be realistic. We confine ourselves to a predetermined form of life instead of thinking creatively about our aspirations.
We hate waiting, yet it is so easy for us to wait instead of taking action. We expect things to happen on their own. We look ahead to the future for an event or circumstance that we think will make us satisfied. We should live more in the present, taking small steps that will help us achieve our goals. Life is brief; a few breaths and then it is gone. Life is what is happening while we are waiting for something better to come along, so appreciate today.
